


Father, Forgive Me

by lei_lei



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Romance, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 20:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lei_lei/pseuds/lei_lei
Summary: Saeyoung Choi was no saint, this he knew, but he hoped that just maybe there was still a chance he could be saved.





	Father, Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> This story heavily features references to Catholicism and has lots of religious imagery. If that makes you uncomfortable or isn't your thing don't read any further.

_Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…_

 

How long it had been he couldn’t say, but the moment he stepped into those hallowed grounds he knew nothing had changed. 

 

He was still _filthy._

 

Too vile to stand a chance, to soddened to utter even a word of penance, and yet here he was. Head hung low, hands shoved into his pockets, as if this would disguise the fact that he was an outsider… no … an _intruder_ in this place. 

 

The eyes of the Madonna seemed to follow him, the apostles turned in disgust, that he had the gall to believe he could reconcile all he had done, for straying as far as he had. 

 

He was finding it harder to breathe and his limbs ached for him to just stop. Stop and get the hell out there. No harm done, existential crisis avoided, he could carry on the way he had before. Blissfully ignoring his eventual eternal damnation. 

 

But his legs kept moving. Step-by-step. Inch by inch. Closer and closer to the alter. His hand clutched fiercely around the cold metal draped against his neck. He deserved to feel the shame, the guilt, of what he had done. This was his punishment. He had to answer for his sins. 

 

He made his way to the pew in the furthest corner of the church and all but collapsed into the aged wood. It wasn’t until he was kneeling, crucifix pressed to his lips, that he shifted his gaze from the tile to the alter. 

 

_God help me._

 

“I…I don’t know what to say.” The words barely ghosted his lips. He wasn’t even sure if he had said them out loud. “I know I don’t deserve to speak to you, let alone to ask for any favors, but I need help.” He continued, forcing his gaze to remain fixed. 

 

“I need you to give me strength. Please, Lord, give me an ounce of strength to do the right thing for once in my life.” He pressed his cross more firmly to his lips, as if the act gave more weight to his pleas. It was stupid. He was being stupid. But he needed every bit of help to get his message across. 

 

“Without you I have no hope, I’ll be sent straight down to the second circle.” He let out a shuttered breath. His connection to his faith came and went in waves, like an ocean that knew no peace. At times it was an anchor, grounding him to something bigger than this world and the life he had been forced into. At others it was a curse, a constant reminder of just how fucked up he was and just how little of chance he had at ever being a ‘good person.’ 

 

However, at this moment, nothing mattered more than this prayer. He had never needed anything more. This prayer was all he had left, the only real chance he had of saving himself. Of saving _her._

 

“Give me strength to leave her alone. Give me the willpower to abstain from my…” His eyes snapped shut. He couldn’t bare to say it out loud, to actually face it. “… _Lust.”_

The word stung his mouth, like bile rising in his throat. He felt the familiar turning of his stomach whenever he thought about this feeling for too long. He wanted to will it away, to pray away this overwhelming urge to act on these earthly desires. He hated himself for letting it get this far. He couldn’t believe he _allowed_ it to go this far. 

 

“I can’t have her. If I touch her…I’ll ruin her. If not for me, Lord, do it for her. Protect _her_.” He hadn’t realized it happened till it hit his clutched hands. When had he started crying? When did this urge become so overwhelming it quite literally brought him to his knees and tears to his eyes? When had he become so weak?

 

“I’m begging for forgiveness. For having these thoughts, for even considering for a moment, ruining this angel you sent. I won’t, I promise I won’t touch her, if you just give me the strength.” His whispers were becoming more urgent, his fingers clutched desperately in prayer. His heart hammered against his chest and for a moment he thought maybe he could. 

 

He could do it. 

 

He could save her. 

 

He could protect her from himself. 

 

He could be at peace if he knew he had his urges in check. That’s just what this was. Urges. Something that would pass with just a little more discipline and faith. He may have named himself after the fallen angel, but that didn’t mean he had to succumb to said angel’s temptations. 

 

He could do it. 

 

A new prayer he could practice.

 

“I can do this. I can control these feelings. I won’t want her.” 

 

_Liar._

 

The word knocked the wind out of him. His hands immediately dropped to his sides. The word seemed to come straight from God’s lips to his ears. It felt so real. The pain that overwhelmed him was certainly real.

 

He would always want her. There were no ifs or buts about it. He could pray, beg, cry, but his yearning for her seemed to have nested itself in his being, finding itself perfectly at home with his self loathing and disappointment. In fact, it made perfect sense. Who would Saeyoung Choi be without pain? This yearning for someone he could never have, for someone so ridiculously better than he ever could be, was perfectly suited for someone like him. It was his punishment. His cross to bare.

 

With a final, “Please,” He brought himself to his feet and tucked his crucifix into his shirt. He understood now that this was his test. His true punishment. Punishment for leaving his brother, for being a burden to his parents from the moment he was born, for all the lies, the deceit, for hurting the people he loved the most to save himself. Finally, there was a punishment to fit the crime. He had spent his entirety making the lives of those around him miserable and now he’d pay by spending the rest of his days watching the woman he loved drift further and further away from him. Always within arms reach, but never his to have. 

 

It was divine justice. And he deserved every minute of it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking the time to read! Considering maybe making this a multi-chapter fic, but who knows. Feedback is greatly appreciated.


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